why i resigned from teaching

I just quit my job.

Are you surprised?

Probably not if you have been around me at all over the past 8 months and have listened to me complain about discuss the obstacles working parents face.
Then again, I feel like most people aren't that surprised when I tell them I resigned.
I guess that it's coming back into fashion for women to stay home once they have kids, but I didn't think that would be my story.

The short version of the story is this: the girl who said in this post, "I don't think that I will ever be able to give up this gig" (teaching, that is), just ate her words.

And there are so many reasons.

Yes, going back to work after having a baby is hard.

Period.

It was waaaay harder than I ever could have imagined and for different reasons than I would have thought.

Before I get into all of that, however, I want to share the main reason I resigned from teaching, which is that the plans God has for me are so much greater than anything I could have planned for myself and because I trust that this is His plan.

The past two years has been such a journey. 

My patience, my strength and my faith have been tested.

And never again will I be able to doubt the Lord's plans for my life.

At least I shouldn't.

I know that as a human, I will probably manage to doubt anyway, but hopefully in the future, even when all seems hopeless, I will be able to remember this story and trust in His plans for my life.

It started two years ago when my principal shocked me with the news that someone from my grade level (first grade) would have to move to kindergarten.

After some emotional resistance, it became clear to me as I talked it through out loud with Christian that the someone was supposed to be me.

I knew it was what God was calling me to do but I REALLY didn't want to listen because I was comfortable in first grade and I knew it would be a lot of work to move classrooms, learn a new curriculum, oh...and did I mention... travel between two schools.

But through the tears and doubt and frustration, I volunteered.

And even when I found out that I wouldn't have to move after all because our first grade numbers were back up, God was saying, "Go."

And I am so thankful I listened.

For one, because I got to meet and work with some amazing people who I wouldn't have otherwise been blessed to know.

Also because it forced me to really grow as a teacher, to re-think my teaching philosophies and to fall in love with the kindergarten curriculum.  
But most of all, I am thankful I listened because it led me to this place I am in now... 

In early November of my first year in Kindergarten, my school district was going through a very difficult financial time due to state property tax caps and we attempted to pass a referendum to make up for the deficit.

Our district always ranks among the very top in the state and in general, parents in the community have always been incredibly involved and supportive of teachers.

I never imagined the referendum would not pass. 

But it didn't.
In fact, it was a resounding no from tax payers.

It was around this time that Christian and I had been less than careful about not getting pregnant and the night we watched the referendum results come across the bottom of the TV screen and it became clear that I may lose my job, we decided to be more careful.

Of course, two weeks later I learned that Henry was already on the way.

We knew we could not get by on Christian's salary alone but we also trusted that the timing was no coincidence, that it was God's plan and that somehow, he would provide.

Fast forward nine months.

I had indeed lost my job. 

I was three days overdue with Henry and after holding out hope all summer that my district would have job "call backs", I had just received word that they were calling back one person but that I was number two on the call back list.

Ouch.

That night, we were driving to Christian's parents' house for dinner when he casually said, "So...let's talk about how we are going to get by on $XXXX a month."
"Why would we have to live on that?" I asked.
"Because that's what is going to be left once you stop receiving paychecks and you and the baby come on to my insurance." 

Christian is the most laid back, easy going, non-worried person I know and he is in charge of our finances so all summer, he seemed perfectly calm and I just took my cues from him as he told me over and over again that "we will be fine."

"Okay." I said, opening the calculator app on my phone and entering XXXX. "Tell me how much each of our bills cost."

Christian rattled off some numbers and I subtracted them from the total...

"The mortgage is $XXX, car payment is $XXX, home and auto insurance $XXX, student loans $XXX..."

This went on until I said, "Wait. Stop.  I'm at negative $33 and we haven't talked about food or anything yet."

"That's the problem..." said Christian.

"WHAT?!??" I screamed.

"What do you mean? Why are you just now telling me this?  Why did you decide to bring this up right now?" 

"Well, I was thinking that you would just get your job back and we wouldn't have to worry," he said.

I started sobbing.

"Oh no, please don't cry," he told me.

But me, being the not-as-laid back, not-as easy going, very pregnant, hormonal mess that I was had already worked myself into an irrational tizzy.

"Heather, calm down. You are going to go into labor," he told me.

"We can't afford for me to go into labor! We can't afford this baby! We can't afford our house! We can't afford to eat!"

The tears were streaming.

"Turn around!  I am not going to go to your parent's house for dinner!"

He didn't turn around.

"I'm sorry I said anything," he told me. "We will be fine. I will start looking for new jobs tomorrow."

I cried harder.

"No! You love your job! You can't do that!"

There we were in my in-laws' driveway.

"I'm not going in!" I threatened.  "I am a mess.  What will I tell them when they ask why I'm crying?"

"Tell them you're pregnant," Christian said, getting out of the car.

So I did.

That night, during dinner, Christian's phone beeped that familiar text alert sound  and I felt annoyed when he pulled it out to read the text.

He got a really weird look on his face.

"What?" I whispered.

He waved it off but I could tell he wasn't engaged in the conversation after that.

Later, we were sitting on the couch and I asked, "Who texted you?"

He showed me the text.

It was from the founder of his company and it said, "What do you think about trying your hand at sales?"

"What does that mean?" I asked.

"I don't know," he said.

Christian was a video editor/producer/sometimes videographer for a small production company.

He didn't have a business major, any sales experience or any interest in sales. 

He loved creating video. 

Sure, he was never going to make the big bucks.

Neither of us were in our chosen careers.

But we always said that his flexible schedule, my summers off, our awesome co-workers and our overall happiness and fulfillment were worth more to our family than money ever could be.

So where the heck was this coming from?

I felt hopeful.

The timing couldn't have been more coincidental.

Maybe this is a huge answer to prayer?

Christian was skeptical. 

In fact, he was downright freaked out.

I could tell he was really upset.

On the car ride home I asked him what was really wrong and after a lot of prodding, he finally came out with his fears.

Basically, he thought they were trying to get rid of him.

He explained that if they moved him to sales, he would surely fail and then they could fire him.

Now I felt sick.

That night, we prayed together.

We were scared and the future looked so messy.

I was literally going to have that baby any second.

We prayed for peace, for help, for answers.

The next day, Christian was upfront with Jon, his boss.

He explained his fears and basically said, "If you are looking to get rid of me, you need to tell me now.  My wife was due to have a baby four days ago and just found out yesterday that she will not be getting her job back. If you don't need me on the video team anymore, I to start looking for new jobs right away."

Jon explained that he knew about me losing my job and figured that Christian would probably be looking for a new job anyway.

(Probably true).

But he wasn't looking to get rid of Christian.

Quite the opposite.

He was looking to keep him.

He explained that he thought Christian had what it takes to do sales and that he would help to train him. 
Christian could continue editing/producing but could try out some sales on the side.

They were about to hire a new sales person anyway so it saved the company from paying someone a whole new salary if Christian could pull it off and it was a way for Christian to make some much needed extra money in commissions, but if it didn't work out, he still had his editing job to fall back on.

It seemed too good to be true.

I was driving to my school to pack up my classroom when Christian called me to explain this hopeful news.

I got another phone call mid-way through our conversation and I knew by looking at the number that is was someone from the school district so I cut Christian off, told him I'd call him back and clicked over.

It was the human resources director and I was sure that he was calling to offer condolences and to help me with any lingering questions I had about the termination of my employment.

Instead, he told me that there had been some major changes that morning and that he was happy to be able to offer me a half day kindergarten job.

That moment was euphoric.

It all felt like a dream.

Just hours earlier I had been sobbing, thinking about selling our house and having to ask our parents for money so that we could eat.

Now, I had a job, albeit a half time job which would be a push financially but considering the fact that I had a baby on the way any second, I knew it would be an ideal schedule as I adjusted to life as a working mommy, that it was better than no job at all and now there was new hope that Christian would be able to pull in a tiny bit of extra money doing sales.

I couldn't stop rejoicing.

I wanted to shout Jeremiah 29:11 (the verse I used in my first blog post ever, by the way) from the rooftops.

"I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." 

Suddenly, I could see God's plans for my family falling into place and I was so thankful.

I have a K-6 license and worked in a school district with four elementary schools and two middle schools.
"Call backs" are filled by seniority and not by experience.
I was next in line to receive any job, K-6 so the fact that the position which had opened that morning happened to be what I already taught was unreal.
 
 If I hadn't moved to kindergarten the year before, this offer of a kindergarten job (or any grade level other than first) would have been terrifying.

As if moving schools and having a baby weren't enough to have going on simultaneously, having to learn a new curriculum would have sent me over the edge.

It wouldn't have felt like a blessing at all.
Now it all made sense.

I had also needed to endure a total and complete panic attack about money the night before in order to see half-time work as a blessing.

His plans were all coming together before my eyes and I was grateful.

Now... I admit, later that evening, I was completely exhausted after packing one of my two classrooms and completely freaked out about being at yet another new school, having to prepare sub plans with the start of the school year just two weeks away and the ticking time bomb of a baby inside my belly, so I started to doubt everything.

I wrote this post then went to take a shower and I sobbed and sobbed, literally on my knees on the shower floor, pouring out the "why me's?" to God and feeling angry that it couldn't all just be easy.

Oh, what a crazy time that was...

Of course, He remained faithful.

I got both of my previous classrooms moved to the new building before going into labor two nights later and an army of loving people stepped in to set up my new classroom and take care of everything as I snuggled Henry and tried not to think about school.

The next 12 weeks flew by.

I tried to stay afloat in the sea of sleeplessness and learning to care for a newborn and I went into school once every week or two to meet with my maternity leave sub, and get to know my students and the other teachers in my new building.
I attended almost every single parent teacher conference that fall.
I'm not saying I wasn't bitter about going into school while I was on maternity leave but I did it because it was the right thing to do and going back would have been ten times harder if I hadn't.

Then, that dreaded day came.

Henry was three months old and I had to go back to work. 
Those quiet days at home with a tiny newborn sleeping on my chest were over.

The time I had put in at school didn't feel like enough, (but then, it never could have been).

No amount of preparation could have actually prepared me.

The crazy circumstances surrounding my job made it more difficult than it might have otherwise been.
I was at a new school so I didn't have those familiar faces to return to and the timing of Henry's birth meant that I had missed the beginning of the school year, which is notoriously the time to try NOT to have a baby if you are a teacher.

Then there was that universally known moment that ANY working parent faces when it comes time for them to go to work on ANY given day, and that is, saying goodbye to your child.

But surprisingly, as hard as those things were, (the things that I feared above all else in the twelve weeks leading up to returning to work), those are not the major factors that drove me to resign.

My new school turned out to be amazing.

I worked with some very dedicated, kind and positive people.
I had a great class and supportive parents.

 And honestly, I didn't miss Henry because I didn't have time to.

I wasn't sitting at my desk thinking about him.

I was tying shoes, singing Zoo Phonics songs, leading guided reading groups and generally just making sure that my 21 students and I all survived each crazy day.

So what did cause me to resign?

Well...

Politics, unrealistic expectations for what working "half day" would look like, my own inability to balance work and motherhood, and the fact that it was only going to get worse just to name a few.

It wasn't those two and a half hours a day when students were in my classroom.

It was the other 21 and a half hours a day.

I wanted to be this woman:

I really did.

I wanted to be able to be a great teacher, a great mom, a great wife, and a great friend, to pursue my other dreams, hobbies and interests on the side...

I wanted to do it all.

 And the fact is, there are some women out there who seem to be doing it.

I know some of them.

I have worked with them.

They make it look easy.

Maybe some people just have a bigger plate than others.

Maybe it just comes down to personality, talents and skills.
And maybe mine are not conducive to balancing work and home.

I have a pretty strong determination to succeed. 

My whole life that drive, that determination is what carried me.

Now, it's what kept me feeling like a failure over and over again.

My best qualities are also my biggest limitations.

I am a right brained, creative mind.

I am a details person.

I am a perfectionist.

I am a dreamer. 

I become obsessed with finishing a task.

That means I can dream up really fun, really cutesy, really engaging lessons.

I can make the materials look really pretty.

I am not going to give up until I see it through because I want those experiences for my students and I know that they will make an impact.

However, it also means that I have trouble letting go.
I am very easily distracted, will start over if it doesn't look just right and get lost in tasks with absolutely no concept of time...leading to guilt later.

With teaching, there is always more to do, so on many days, I stayed.

Some days I was the last person to leave the building, even though I was only supposed to be working "half day".

On those days, I felt like a terrible mom.

When I finally went to pick up Henry and I saw his sweet face, I wanted to cry because I wished I had been with him all along.

 I felt like I had put other peoples' kids before my own.

So some days, I forced myself to leave work on time.
I would take my work bag, promising to work from home later, and I would go to pick up Henry.
And I would get lost in him.
I would get lost in love and laughter.
And wresting him to change his diaper.
I would do laundry during his nap and stare in confusion at why our house was a disaster and I would wonder about what we would eat for dinner.
Then I would play with Henry some more.

Life at home was just as demanding as life at work, but in a different way.

There are some things I could have done to make my life easier at home.

I could have given up breastfeeding so that I wasn't always juggling frozen milk and bottles and pumps.

I also could have given up cloth diapering so that I didn't always have more laundry on top of the other loads of laundry.

But those were decisions we had made to save money (which is still really important to us) and more than that, they were simply sacrifices I wasn't willing to make.

Those things are deeply important to me and I would have had even more mom guilt had I given them up. 

At the end of the day, when I laid Henry in his crib, I had a bag full of papers to grade and lessons to plan but I had used all of my energy on that precious boy (as I should!) and there was no way I was going to get to that school stuff.
It was all I could do to hang out with Christian for a short time and then crawl into my bed...only to be woken just a couple hours later...and a few hours after that...and again not long after to the sound of my alarm clock.


Those days, I felt like a terrible teacher.
I was exhausted and completely unprepared because I never found time to finish my work the night before and that wasn't fair to my students.

The truth is that both my class and my baby deserved the very best of out me but I never did figure out how to balance that.

It comes down to the fact that in teaching, there is always more to learn, to do, to make, and to teach.

You are never done improving.

You can always be better.

That challenge made me love teaching for four years.

And it made me completely resentful this past year.

I never did figure out how to be the kind of teacher I would want Henry to have someday while also being the kind of mommy I know he deserves right now.

And the truth is, it's going to get worse.

Starting next year, teachers in my district will move to a "pay for performance" evaluation system.

Teachers will be rated ineffective, needs improvement, effective or highly effective based on a ridiculous amount of observation, student data and paper work.
When you read the evaluation rubric, it becomes clear that you could basically live at your school, working around the clock 24 hours a day to be plan and prepare and you might still only be considered "effective" in some areas.

It is based not only on what you do in the classroom or during your plan time but also what you do in your personal time. 

Our administrators told us over and over that the goal was to be effective and that no one would be highly effective in all areas or even in one area year after year.

One administrator even admitted to me that anyone with a family would struggle to be considered even effective.

That evaluation system would probably kill me.

I am the kind of person who used to cry when I got an A-.

I know that is stupid and I also don't know where it came from because my parents did not push that on me at all but it's just who I am.

And because it is who I am, because I know that work may very well get the best of me, I know that I can't do that to my family.

Then, there's the politics.

Not only did the curriculum demand a lot of me, but our school district went through another attempt to pass a referendum this year.

Last year, teachers were asked to be at every board meeting, to write post cards to their students' parents, to help campaign in order to save their jobs.

And I did.

I sacrificed time away from my husband and hours of sleep even though I was tired and pregnant, not only because I didn't want to lose my job but because I cared deeply about my students and what would happen to them if they lost specials and class sizes grew.

But it didn't pass.

 And maybe I never fully healed from the sting of all that.

It hurt to know that some of my students' parents surely voted no and that I lost my job because of it.
You can say it's not personal, but it felt personal.

Even after I was re-hired, I had moments and days when my bitterness overcame me.

I was angry about everything that I had to go through and for being shuffled around to a new building just two days before I gave birth.

I never held it against my students.

I still put in extra time to give them everything they needed, but I did feel myself withdraw some from parents.

I felt bitter when I had to spend my personal time answering emails from parents who didn't seem to fully appreciate all that I was sacrificing for their children.

I was sick of campaigning for my job.

I didn't want to miss putting my baby in bed at night in order to be present at a board meeting where people would be debating whether or not they should cut teachers.

And then, this spring, after all of the days of fighting through tears, moving classrooms, making sacrifices and struggling to balance what was best for my family and what was best for my students, it happened again.

My principal asked me to come into her office and she regrettably handed me another RIF notice.

It's not her fault.

She felt terrible.

But the school district was out of money and more cuts had to be made.

We knew it was coming.

Christian and I had been trying to plan financially, assuming that I would lose my job for real this time.

RIFing is based on seniority and since I was something like #29 of 30 to be cut last time, (one of just some that were called back,) that meant I would be one of the first to go this time.

By contract, the district has to notify teachers of RIF by May 1st even though they were trying for another referendum a couple weeks later and if it passed the RIF would not be necessary.

For the students' sake, thank goodness it did pass this time around.

I was immediately "called back" along with anyone else who had received RIF notices a couple weeks earlier, but the sting lingered and my decision had already been made. 

Several days earlier, the night I told Christian that I had been RIFed again, was the night he told me once and for all that he wanted me to resign even if it did pass.
We had been talking about it for months.
Trying to figure out if MAYBE it were possible.

He had seen me cry and struggle for months and he told me that he couldn't stand to watch me sacrifice my time with our family to work in a place that may continue to bounce me around for years to come.

Christian's mom stayed home with him and he always said he wanted that for our kids but financially, it just hadn't been in the cards for us.

So back to that God thing...

Again, His plan, (you know...the one that I never would have chosen for myself because it felt really hard and scary at the time) is what made my resignation even possible.

Turns out, Christian is quite good at sales.

In fact, he loves it even more than video, (which was SHOCKING to me), and has pretty much switched full time from the video team to the sales team.

I never saw that coming.

I have seen his attitude toward his company transform. 

He already loved his company (because he had a cool job, was doing what he loved, and worked with fun, young people) but now when he talks about his work, he so passionate about who they are and what they have to offer that it's no wonder he is doing well with sales.

Christian's commission certainly isn't making us rich.

It's still going to be really scary and really tight, but yes, if he works hard and things continue along as they are now, his commission can cover what I made working half time.
And since we were able to survive on our income while he was being trained for his sales gig and before his commission checks started rolling in, we know it's possible.

God continues to amaze me.

His plan included me moving grade levels, moving schools and getting WAY outside of my comfort zone in order for me to see more clearly; in order to not be blinded by factors like, "I can't resign because my mother in law and my friends work at this building" or "I've put in so much work at learning this grade level and I don't want to lose my spot."

 Those things are terminable.
Friends are not confined to the space of a building and I can always go back to teaching but I will never get these years with Henry back.

Yes, walking away is scary but I had to walk through those really hard days in order for us to come to this decision and take this leap of faith.

We know that He will provide.

We know that this is His plan.


Will I miss teaching?

Yes...and no.

I will miss the crisp feeling of new bulletin boards and sharp pencils on the first day of school, the field trips, the funny things that five year olds say, the hugs, the look on a student's face when the reading "light bulb" goes on, the feeling of being part of a team of people who are working to change lives, and the last day of school when you celebrate how much those children have grown and you cry because you genuinely love them and are sad to see them go.

But I won't miss the politics, the behavior plans, the ungrateful emails from parents who only know half of the story, the evaluation rubrics and the feeling that there is always more to do.


Will I ever teach again?

Only time will tell.

If you would have told me a couple of years ago that Christian would be doing sales and I would be a stay at home mom, I would have thought you were crazy.

But I am loving this new path and I'm excited to see where it will lead.

What now?

I've had people say to me, "If I was a stay at home mom I don't know what I'd do with myself."

Ha.

I always seem to find ways to fill my time.

First, I am trying to focus on being a mom.

That's my true full time job now and I want to make sure I do well at it.

But I do have lots of passions and hobbies and know that they will keep me busy.

I'm not necessarily wanting any of them to turn into an actual job because I am worried I won't enjoy them any more or that I'll be right back in that place of imbalance.

But our finances are going to be tight and I think it's possible to use some of my passions and hobbies to reach people and in turn earn a small profit for our family.

Being a teacher has been a big part of my life and I have created a ton of materials so I plan to open a Teachers Pay Teachers store at some point.

I'm not done creating new materials either because I know as Henry grows, I will create things for him.

I will probably open an Etsy shop also.

(No huge rush on any of this...but nice to know TpT and Etsy are there when I'm ready).

I've had a few friends ask if they can pay me to take pictures of this or that and I'm not ready to accept any money yet because I am not confident enough in my photography skills but I do LOVE taking pictures and would do it for free all day long.

I have a secret desire to be a birth photographer ever since Henry's birth.

I would just kill to have pictures like these from that day.
I would love to give other people the gift of their child's first day in pictures.

Writing may be my biggest passion of all.

It was always my favorite thing to teach as well.

Ultimately, my life long goal is to publish a children's book.

But for now, I blog to get my writing fix.

Thank you to everyone who has been so encouraging and supportive of me over the past few years in regards to this blog.

Please be patient with me as I work to spend lots of time with Henry this summer and really get a handle on what he needs from me.

Changes are coming.

Even the title of this blog came from the fact that I was a teacher.
I know that it will continue to grow with me and I hope that my readers will continue along on my journey.

If you follow me because you like reading about teacher-y things, I hope to continue to share those.

I invite you to encourage me by coming along side of me as our family takes this huge leap of faith.

I don't like the term "follow me" for some reason.

I took my "followers" gadget down a long time ago because it just made me feel weird.
But every time I get an alert that someone new is "following" my blog, it makes me feel loved and supported.

To me, it represents your encouragement on this journey of life.

That's why I put the "followers" gadget back up on my side bar.


Thank you for "listening" to my rant.

I feel grateful to have all that off my chest.

It's been a crazy couple of years and I'm excited to see what's next.

To new beginnings!

xoxo,

Heather